amazing!

I am loving this internship!
For the summer I will mostly be using the blog I made just for CT!

http://myheartisinhartford.blogspot.com/

I love you guys!

ahh

I am about to leave for the HCM house where I will be staying for the next two months!

wow...its actually happening!

it's been a few days

I made it. I'm here in Connecticut.

The trip was amazing. I feel like it was just what my heart needed to prepare for this summer.

I have already been warned that this summer will be good but it will be really hard. It will be nothing like I have ever done before.

Am I ready? Hopefully
Am I scared? Definitely
Am I excited? Of course

I miss my road trip buddies!

Tick tock goes the clock

Here I am just sitting and waiting. Only about an hour and 20 minutes until our ideal departure time.
I am as ready as I will ever be.

Please be praying for the trip and my time out there!

Thanks friends! See you in two months!

I've been holding on

I have been so incredibly blessed this year. I have met so many amazing people.

To think that I wanted nothing to do with the college groups merging...

Change is hard for me. I know that. I know that this summer will change my life. That thought is so scary. It is also very exciting!

I know that it is only goodbye for the summer. I had no idea how hard this would be. I guess that is what happens when you meet people who change your life and when you get to know people who love you for who you are. I can't even describe how much I love these people. How much I love Flood.

As hard as this is I believe that this is also good. I think it is good that I am so sad about not seeing everyone for 2 months. It just makes me realize that relationships matter and my friends are so important!

So, I got updates from my internship director...

I have raised 150 dollars out of 800. I need 650 dollars more by June 1st

I just have to trust God that He will provide. But to be honest...I am freaking out a bit...


Last night was the first goodbye that I had to say. Tomorrow will be many more...

Then Thursday. Then Sunday...

I leave a week from tomorrow! ahhh

230 am.
im tired...but also wide awake.
Such a good night. Such good conversation with basically everyone I talked to.

I got a little emotional tonight...everyday that my trip comes closer I get a little bit more scared/excited/worried.
I was thinking and I figured out that seperation from the people I love is one of the hardest things for me and that is why I find myself sad about this.


I have to be up early...goodnight!

I’m fighting the doubting with all that I am

Tonight I came to the realization that summer is pretty much here.

I am leaving in two weeks.
I can't believe that it is actually going to happen.
Monday is going to be so good. So sad. It will be a much needed girls night but I dont want to say goodbye.

I know it's only for the summer...I know that come August we will all be reunited.

I am so afraid that when I come back...nothing will be the same and that I will have to start all over.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I know that this internship will be amazing and that I will grow and learn SOOO much. I have to put these fears behind me. I have to cling to the One who gives me hope, who gives me love, who gives me life.

on another note...The rest of this week should be good.
Thursday-Breakfast with Brian, work, office finale
Friday- Last day at party city, work, then who knows
Saturday- cpr class then once again...who knows

...

I suck at life sometimes.
I really am just needing a day to get away.

I feel stressed. That may be an understatement.

I miss my parents. Sunday was such a sad mothers day. I hate new mexico. It stole my parents!

when things start to fall into place I feel like everything is turned upside down again.

Please pray for my Aunt Cindy. They found pre-cancer cells...Pray for her family

One of the worst feelings is feeling like a bad friend, apologizing and them saying it's okay and pretty much saying you have.


Things that are happy

My amazing roommate
Quitting party city on friday
Babies
Good talks with friends

Looking up I pray my doubt you'll crush

Do you ever just feel like you have everything against you?

I hate cars. I hate money. You need both of those to do road trips so the work must be done.
350 dollars later and I have a newly tuned up car and brand new fluids.
Only like 500 more dollars to go. Plus I have only raised 10 dollars out of 800 for the internship.
I think this is God's way of making me trust Him, especially with my finances.

I am stressing out. I am exhausted. I feel sick. I am scared. I have regrets. I can't focus.
But....
I am loved. I have wonderful friends and family. I am growing. I am safe. I am loved.

Life is stormy but it's been worse.

Please be praying. I feel like a mess...

Yes God...I hear you

proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

And there He goes again. When I am worried and when I am stressed He reveals that I need to trust him. He will lead me. I was at work(party city) and I was going over an invitation order and guess what verse happened to be on the response cards? And guess, just guess what I have been struggling with?

When I least expect it...God shows me what I need to know. I was so encouraged.

Ouch

It is never easy realizing that your faith in God is not what it should be.

Last night Matt reminded us that we need to let people know what is going on in our lives. We need to let people pray for us. So right now, and I wish this was more personal, pray for me please. I am overwhelmed. I am drained. And I am scared. Please just pray that I will find my hope in Him and feel secure in His plan.

I am leaving in 22 days. eeek

Adventure time?

So yesterday one of my friends told me that they liked how open I was to new things. I responded with "well, you only live once!"

What?! Did I actually say that?

I used to be so afraid to live. I used to be afraid of failing or making a mistake and though those are both still a HUGE fear of mine I am learning to put that aside.

After the events of yesterday I realized that it is good to have no plans sometimes. It is such a great thing to wake up in the morning with an adventure in mind but no set plans. It's good to go to the beach and people watch. It's good to drive around aimlessly until you get to a place that is just right. It is good to eat a total of 9 fortune cookies over the course of 2 hours with one of your best friends!(yes we each ate 9 haha) It is good to scream and laugh and cry in excitement while you are waiting at a stop light!

Life is short so have as many adventures as you can!

He is the Author of my life...

God is revealing my story.
It is so interesting and scary at the same time.

I have so much more to learn. I am glad He is sharing in small doses...I don't think I could handle it all at once!

One of my favorite things is staying up late with a friend sharing memories, worries, laughs, random thoughts and so much more!

The month of may is going to be amazing!

I leave for the road trip in less than a month! so stoked!!

Highs and Lows of the day
High:Being completly moved out of that apartment
Low: Being exhausted and gross and sweaty because of it!

<3

OB adventure

It's amazing what an adventure can do for you.
Me and my friend Genisee went on an adventure. We just got on the freeway with no intentions to go anywhere. Although everywhere we ended up was not the right place. Finally we ended up in Ocean Beach. A place where I am somewhat familiar and a place that I have many dear memories. We went to this really good Greek place. And then we walked to the pier. There is something about the ob pier at 9 pm that is amazing. Such beauty.

I needed last night. I told her everything. We talked about my brokenness from friday night. We talked about the future. We talked about everything. We talked about boys... haha well the lack thereof. We talked about how that doesn't matter because God will show us who He wants us to be with when we are ready for that. I have a lot to work through. I have so much growing to do.

We got simple reminders that we are beautiful. Someone asked us if we had been thanked today and we said no then he thanked us for making the world so beautiful.

Last night was spontaneous. I needed to get away.

:(

Until tonight it's been so long since I actually really cried.
I forgot what it's like. Not safe while driving at 2:30 am


I don't even know what to say right now.

I am honestly just sad and that's the only word I am able to explain this...

All I need is You

The conversations that we had tonight really helped me in what I have been dealing with about relationships.

When I am ready God will provide me with someone. This is not something to be rushed. I should not be discouraged or feel sadness for never having a real boyfriend ever. I realize that there are plenty of people who are in the same situation as I am. It just seems as though everyone I know is in a new relationship. I just can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with me. I guess it goes along with some of the self esteem issues that I am working on...

I know God is teaching me to trust and if I were to pick a theme for 2008 it would have to be trust. I honestly think that this is the next part of my life God is trying to show me. I feel like it is normal to have these feelings but He wants us to trust in him. He has a plan. We were made in his image. In October God spoke to me like I have never experienced....He said something along the lines of that he is not going to give me someone to love until I love myself.

So true...but so hard.

+/-
+friendship
-work

Is it a crime that I have made new friends...that I fill my free time with people who build me up, not tear me down?

I do feel bad, but a guilt trip is unnecessary

Things have changed. It's a part of life. It's not easy, trust me I know. But it happens...

In my love be lifed high...

I am learning new things everyday. I am learning that it is really exciting and really scary and really fun to trust God with everything. I am also learning that it is not always easy. I am so used to holding back parts of my life that I think I can handle on my own...but not anymore. I'm done with that! Well, Im working on it at least.

I am really blessed. I just can't explain in all of the ways but God has given me so many AMAZING friends. He has blessed me with a family who actually wanted me. What an amazing feeling to count your blessings. I don't do that often enough.

+/- for the day

+Making it to work on time
-Walking in to work for another "fun" shift
+Using humor in a situation that sucks but is unchangeable
+Seeing the clock turn to 1 knowing I can leave and go spend the afternoon with amazing babies
+Spending time with amazing babies!
-Watching a brand new two year old who was just moved up to the pre school struggle with attachment issues and missing his friends at the infant center....seriously had tears in my eyes!
+Doing nothing...just relaxing when I got off.
-Cancelled plans
+Phone dates



:) Can't wait for college group tomorrow! Finally Wednesday...only 3 more days of work this week!

And I know You're there...

What a great day yesterday was!

I accomplished a lot during the afternoon. All of my support letters are now written stamped and mailed!

Flood was amazing. so amazing. There is just something about watching your close friend getting baptized that is just so inspiring. Such a beautiful moment. ( Congrats Lauren I'm so proud of you)
As I was waiting inside for the service to start a strange feeling came over me. I don't really even know how to describe it really. I just felt that something big was about to happen.

I woke up this morning happy and more awake than I have been is soooo long! I wasn't worried and I wasn't stressed. As I prayed in my car before I walked into work I felt God stirring in me. The day was great. I mean as good as it gets at work but still good.


I have so much ahead of me...God has a plan. I think I am starting to trust in it easier! :)

New blog

So, I decided that I need to write more. When I was in high school I used to write everything down and it was so good.

I know a few people who use this website for blogging so I figure it's a good one:)

I guess I will just start off by saying that my heart is hurting.

This week has been the longest week ever.

I am so drained that I can barely focus.

I am praying for a better week. I have a lot to do. Hopefully being busy will keep my mind off of things that I don't need to worry about.


I worry too much...and for what? God has a plan...why can't I just trust in it?